Impulse #115: Ty-Ager

So, there I was acting all immature - because that's what young people are, basically. I do stuff like drinking milk, watching cartoons, cursing on my blog. I am sucking my thumb as I type this, actually.

I am at the prime of my life, literally sucking my thumbnail off, when BAM - God comes down and gives me the theoretical inverse of Botox:



I go "What the fuck?" so I check my calendar and give myself a stereotypical smack in the forehead when I read that it's the year 2007.

God damn it, I'm 20.

Yeah, that's like eons away from stuff like having kids or considering getting your balls cut off, but it really feels weird after having a "1" for a first digit of your age for a decade. It doesn't help either when I hang out with more than half the population of my organization literally younger than me.



Now that I'm literally out of my teenage years (hence, the tyage period crap), I decided to have a little look-see of how much I have changed over the years.

Here's my sloppy young self (Conchan, get the fuck out of my camera):


And here's me, after that supposed dosage of experience:


If you think that's ridiculous, it's because I'm fucking old.

Yeah, happy birthday.

Impulse #114: Black Eye. No Peas.

God damn it, as ridiculous as it sounds, I feel like I've been punched in the face without me knowing it.

Unless my mind is such an asshole that it can dream up a fight and actually make my right eye look like that of a girl who is simply itching to try on makeup and fail miserably.

Hence, instead of inserting some witty comeback after literally months of inactivity, I end up here with a few lines of imaginary swearing and a sloppy towel that was chucked in the freezer now lodged in my eye, giving me the visibility of a stereotypical pirate.

Damn it, I hate fight club REM's.

Fergie, forgive my shameless use of the title.

Impulse #113: The Emperor Types Ctrl+C!!!

Tired of your ground-breaking articles get copied by shameless wannabees? Frustrated at lazy impostors imitating your elegant web design! Don't fret, COPYSCAPE is here!

Copyscape is, as their title reads, a Website Plagiarism Search Site that aims to see if somewhere out there, there is an evil website that siphoned off all the web glory from you because they copied your slick website. It's easy, you type your website that you oh so treasure, and voila!- links of website with copies of content from your site! Not only that, you can also get their banner and flaunt on your site, giving fair warning to those glory-suckers who wish to copy and paste their way to fame.

And so I try it out. I type in the URL of this website expecting to see hordes of links of websites trying to emulate my charm. Sue them perhaps? NO! I'll add them to my fanbase! Unfortunately, the world turns out to be several IQ points lower than I thought... no one had the chutzpah to even try to paraphrase my insightful articles (heck, paraphrasing would take the magic away, but it would do).

Hmm. Maybe I should put some encouragement:

Freetranslation at its best.

Anyway, I gave up after hitting the refresh button 20 times. I decided to check the plagiarism level on a site with a little more fame, like Yahoo.
Surely enough, websites of these heartless individuals came up. One of these was iRANPanel Electronic Publishing, who uses the likes of beloved Yahoo to... sell electronics. Or publish. Whatever, I don't care. Here's what it looked like:


Can't see the resemblance? Here's the Yahoo webpage to see the incriminating evidence:


I mean, holy fuck. Now that's plagiarism, with the blue skies of the iRANPanel site copying the title bar and th- holy shit, that blue was my browser title bar!!!. I also suddenly realized that they both had a 1024x768 resolution! GOD DAMN IT!

Only a fool will fail to see the similarities.

Seriously, I couldn't for my life see where the fuck the poor chumps at iRANPanel did the "copying" part. I then noticed that Copyspace said it copied three words from Yahoo.



The three words?



....All Rights Reserved.



Holy shit, nobody said those three words were PROPRIETARY. When it said "All Rights Reserved" it was referring to the words themselves! Fuck, this must be what they call "encapsulation", I'm literally crapping on my shorts right now from all the legal information imploding inside my head. Ooh, bloggers look out, music artists can actually FILE A CASE AGAINST YOU for copying the lyrics of their music and attaching your nonsensical love story plot to the already-bad lines.



This is only the tip of the iceberg. Watch out plagiarizers! You're attempts to copy will be revealed, all because of the THREE words out of a possible THOUSAND on the FIRST PAGE of your site resembling that of another.

Impulse #112: GET ME OUT OF HERE

Now.

Impulse #111: Today's Thesis

Alternating-Bit Flip-Flops Specifications on Bead Analysis and Beijing Opera using mySQL

Abstract:

This discourse attempts to identify with extinct civilizations and their corresponding cultures by devising a state machine that would send packets on a scale that would apply generally to painted-face characters using normalized tables. Such tables are to be in 3NF/BCNF form to ensure flatness and synchronization of data to avoid input-output inconsistencies on Mealy Finite State Machines. This would be built upon a Model-View-Controller Architecture to create a basic flow of Chinese Musical Modes - these will also be checksummed to ensure integrity and their estimated period falls between the Terminus Ante Quem and Terminus Post Quem range. As stated in the title, this would be built on a mySQL backend - Struts have been chosen as a temporary framework, until a better framework is found (one that could use both Dendochronology and Thermoluminescence as a basis for determining age).

...Ad Infinitum Nauseam

***End fricking nonsense that would probably take forever to make head and tail of everything***

...If you have all six subjects almost literally raping you at one time, that piece of bullshit I just wrote starts to make sense.

Impulse #110: I Want To Be Santa Claus

After yet another hiatus in my blogging, I face again this wonderful season called Christmas. And what thing best describes Christmas? Not the presents you immature twerp!

A reliable source (i.e my vision, despite being myopic) tells me that people tend to get FAT during the Yuletide season. Then again, my body, a self-proclaimed individualist, refuses to jump the bandwagon. But what the hell, I give myself my umpteenth shot in gaining a few more pounds.

Kudos here to my sister, managing to eke out things so my family could have this privelege of pigging out.

And so, donning the food critique fez, I welcome you to my first (and probably last) food blog!

Setting: The Spiral Restaurant, Philippine Plaza. It's actually the second time I've been here and the last time that I did, I failed the endurance test quite miserably. Past experience have taught me several things about diving into an eat-all-you-can buffet:

a.) Keep walking (so you burn food on the way)
b.) Don't eat the same thing too many times
c.) Keep walking (so you don't miss the confectionary section)
d.) Keep walking (to get away from those snobbish brats who aren't even there to have dinner)

So, here's what I managed to stuff in:

PLATE #1


Ah, a whole plate of appetizers. This was all on the first table (a.k.a the nearest one). The whole thing mystified me with all those high-clout names turning out to be plain cheese on crackers. But what the hell, there were some notable stuff there. I had:

- Good italian pizza. No argument about that
- Three different pieces of maki, on of which I swear looked like Jollibee's Crispy Bangus Belly
- Crackers with some mean-looking salsa. Tasted rad, too.
- Some food I could have sworn looked salty. Turned out to be pieces of fruit with cinnamon (very sweet).

PLATE #2

I was planning to leave the appetizers when I saw the restaurant's Plat Du Jour(sp?) - Gambas De Ajillo (sp again?). This was considering that just the night before, my girlfriend and I ate our heart out at Bubba Gump's where everything, quite literally, had shrimp on it. But what the hell. It's a bit of a disappointment, though, it tasted like Pomodoro more than some spicy dish, it's like seafood on spaghetti sauce.

PLATE #3

I walked some more (like I suggested) and found myself on the Japanese and Indian sections of the buffet. Dishes with nothing but toasted mystery vegetables on it seemed a little bit too much, but who could pass up their cuisine? I had:
- Salmon Yaki, which was anything but yucky.
- Several pieces of Chinese Dimsum.
- Dalchiri Murgh (sp?) - beef with tomato and cinnamon sauce. Quite surprising, actually, only I think that you shouldn't have too much.
- Mutter Paneer (ditto) - green peas and cottage cheese on a soup of... well, even more cheese. Tasted more like eggs than cheese, I think

PLATE #4 and #5

By this time, I felt my tummy needing a good rested from all that holding up of everything I put inside my mouth (which was a lot) and so I indulged myself with some good old minestrone soup with a side of assorted bread, of one which looked like it's either sandblasted or it just fell on a sandbox and the rocks got stuck in the pastry (ugh).

PLATE #6

Only an idiot (and a vegetarian) would leave the grilled section untouched, right? Roastbeef with mashed potatoes, buttered vegetables and extra tomatoes - which was good if only I had 5 inches more of digestion space or whatever.

PLATE(SERVING) #7

Strawberry ice cream with lots of dark chocolate/milk chocolate wafer bits and a healthy serving of ground pistachio nuts. Operative phrase: No More.

My God, I couldn't imagine how this would look like on the crapper much later. By my fifth plate I felt so full that I was afraid I'm going to shit out intestines instead of meat and vegetables:



Strangely enough, even with all the calorie intake I had in one sitting, my body looked like it only had one plate instead of seven:

BEFORE EATING


AFTER EATING


Yes, that's my body alright.

I imagine dieting hopefuls scrambling to my place just to know what on earth did I do to my body to resist such massive potential for getting fat (which I have been waiting on for several years, already).

Good gravy, even Christmas just won't let me be what I want to be, huh.

Merry Christmas to all.

Impulse #107: ...Impulse #107

...Because there wasn't one.